(For want of a better title)
As fully trained and paid up members of the chef club we feel it is our duty, nay - our moral obligation, to probe an avenue seriously neglected by the worlds greatest scientific minds. We're pretty sure this topic has been brushed under the carpet by all and sundry but it is something that has been bugging us. Were dinosaurs made of red or white meat?
It's all well and good assuming birds are descended from dinosaurs therefore dinosaur tastes like chicken. But what about ducks? And geese? And pigeons? These are all birds and their meat is red. This is a question that must be answered as it has a serious bearing on cooking times. An overcooked sauropod schnitzel would be a catering faux pas and unacceptable in the eyes of purists, but undercooking could be catastrophic and, in fact, business suicide.
With so much red tape with regards to health and hygiene regulations and 'belt tightening' due to the dangers associated with outbreaks of Styracosaurus aureus, Camptosaurus enteritis, and the Nomingia, you can't be too careful when it comes to cooking times. Unfortunately, middle shelves of newsagents the world over are sadly lacking even the simplest recipe of the Mesozoic variety, so we're just going to have to go ahead and create some culinary masterpieces ourselves...
Dinochecker's guide to cooking dinosaur red meat:
Roast sirloin of Tyrannosaurus
Ingredients.
One sirloin of Tyrannosaurus (lets presume it's red meat)
Salt and pepper
Vegetable oil for sealing.
Method.
First, french trim your sirloin with a samurai sword and tie it nice and tight. We find reinforced shipping rope is best for the job, and with ratchets in hand it should only take you and a friend a couple of hours.
Next, Preheat your oven to 200 degrees. Sirloin of T.rex can be a little unwieldy so make sure a Humner can sit comfortably inside your oven. This will ensure a good ammount of heat circulation. As a last resort a house filled with burning logs will do the job.
Season the loin with five kilos of salt and seven thousand grinds of black pepper. Add twelve litres of oil to a roasting pan measuring no less than fifteen feet across. Add your sirloin and seal on one side, then turn it over with a JCB and seal the other side.
Using a crane, carefully transfer the sirloin to your roasting receptacle. Now this is where our classical training comes to the fore...
Perfectly roasted red meat (medium rare) takes between 12 and 15 minutes per pound plus 15 over... though in this case the fifteen minutes over isn't going to make a jot of difference. Bearing in mind the lump of meat you're working with weighs close to a ton, lets do the math; it's going to take... roughly... 500 hours, or just under three weeks. And don't forget to baste regularly. You will have to use a steel bucket for this because a regular ladel just won't cut the mustard, unfortunately. Nor will one of those new-fangled syringes.
We can't stress enough how important it is to rest your meat before carving so wheel your joint into a nice warm caravan and leave it to relax for two days, then, using a chainsaw, cut it into 8,000 even slices.
If you haven't starved to death already (or are too weak because you've been 'saving yourself') peel, slice and roast ninety six sacks of potatoes and carrots, and make five hundred litres of gravy from the cooking juices. And if you're purists like us you have to have Yorkshire Puddings too. Now all you have to do is invite four thousand friends around with one hundred and sixty six cases of Merlot and get stuck in! Enjoy!
Dinochecker's White meat cooking guide coming soon with foolproof tips for perfect Triceratops crackling...
